Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just invented taco cereal.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
