so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
