i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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