Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
