dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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