I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
