I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
