So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
