Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
