I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
