I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
