This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
