i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
