My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Bring me that man meat
All I want is dick and wine.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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