Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
