My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
