I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
