Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
