i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
