so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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