I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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