my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
