peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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