Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I want to have your abortion
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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