OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
