Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
