Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
