Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
