My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
