I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Drake has all the answers
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
