I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
