i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
