After last night, I could never be a politician.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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