This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think a kid would responsible me up
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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