I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
