Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
