I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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