I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
