So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
