I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?