this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.