New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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