She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
