I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
