Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
