The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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