sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
