If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
