you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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