Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
