i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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