I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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