If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
