She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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