i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
