i need an iv and a liver transplant
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
