Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
