It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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