Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
